What do you do?

It’s been a loaded question in the dating world since the first shepherd fell in love with a princess, and it’s only become more complicated as we’ve plunged through our myriad revolutions – agriculture, industrial and now technological.

As someone who’s spent the last six years working for a variety of start-ups, it’s a question packed with lots of baggage — the kind of baggage that they make you gate-check before you can board the Fun Date airplane.

whitewhine:

Le Douchebag

It’s Saturday, 10:53am PT and I am freaking out.

“Just breathe,” he tells me.

“Breathing is for people for people who can’t get what they want!” I snarl.

In the beginning, he only liked me, I think, because I was a yoga teacher. Because I was writing blog posts about self-awareness and discovery and because I was generally calm and a good listener. Because I gave advice about how to live with yourself.

This is all stuff that Yoga teachers do. But the reason that they know how to teach it is probably because they had to learn it for themselves. Behind every Yoga teacher telling you to sit with the discomfort is a desperate woman (or man) tearing her/his hair out (maybe literally) because nothing seems to be going right.

I tell people this all the time when they say, “shouldn’t she be happy/calm/peaceful/loving? She’s a Yoga teacher?” I always say, “She didn’t become a yoga teacher because she was happy. She became a yoga teacher because there was something she needed to fix.”

For example, Ana Forrest, one of the most renowned Yoga teachers in the world, just published a book that is partially autobiographical called Fierce Medicine, in which she offers advice on using yoga to heal from addictive behaviors, eating disorders, and physical and psychological abuse.

Remember, she is the best of the best. Of course, she’s “healed” now, but if she’s like any other Yoga teacher you know, she’s still a human being - and grapples with everything that made her who is she today.

Of course, not every yoga teacher has come from a past as dark as Forrest’s. But the reality is that everyone (yes - even you!) has problems. Big problems, gross problems, and annoying problems. People who choose to pursue yoga are the kind of people who wanted to fix them, thus are very aware of them. That means that a) they don’t try to hide them and b) they sometimes still make mistakes.

For example another famous teacher, Elena Brower, told Yoga Journal this month that after growing up in a family of hot-tempered folks, she still works hard not to completely lose her sh*t at her young son. What makes Brower a yogi is not that she was able to stop herself from screaming at her son and threatening to leave him at a grocery store, (she did that) but rather that she realized her error, and was able to apologize, explaining her behavior and why it was inappropriate. 

At the end of the day, pretty much the only kind of Yoga teacher you should be really worried about is the kind that pretends that everything is FINE. They are lying. Period.

One of the best things about Dolores Park is that not only can you see a lot of San Francisco, you can also see almost everybody in the park from any given vantage point. So when were planning a surprise party for my friend, we needed a strategy to make sure he didn’t see us in advance.

The Official Mistress of Ceremonies had the brilliant idea that if we could just get the guest of honor preoccupied by his smartphone, he wouldn’t look up until we yelled “Surprise!”

But how to keep his head down?

The solution was an app called “Grindr.” Grindr uses location-based technology to let gay, bi, and curious men find other gay, bi, and curious men in their immediate vicinity. My friend is a bit addicted to Grindr, so we knew it would distract him until the moment we were ready to reveal ourselves.

All was going to according to plan. He approached, led by two friends, eyes glued to the phone, engrossed in the app. When he was about 10 ft away from us, we yelled, “Surprise!

Everyone from all the neighboring blankets within a 30ft radius looked up. The only problem is, my friend didn’t. He hadn’t even blinked, and was still looking at his phone. We yelled, “surprise!” again. Now everyone in the surrounding area was staring at him and he was still staring at his phone.

We started yelling his name instead. Finally he looked up. He was very confused, and ultimately very shocked.

“Tons of people have birthdays in Dolores Park,” he offered by way of explanation. “I never thought anyone would be throwing a party for me.”

But of course the best part is that Grindr finds people who are within a few feet of you. When my friend settled down, he realized, “I was probably looking at the profile of someone who watched that all go down. And now they know I walk around staring at Grindr…’

The place where I practice and teach yoga is donation based. The studio’s mission is to bring yoga to anyone regardless of anything, including money. This may sound pretty hippie dippie, but it’s actually pretty brilliant. People do actually give donations and some classes have over a hundred students.

What’s amazing to me is that out of every 100 students, I’d say 80 (male and female) are wearing $90 Lululemon pants. Given that in theory, this is a studio for people who don’t believe in or can’t afford $20 yoga classes (there’s even a line in the studio manifesto about not needing special pants to practice), I find it kind of mind-blowing that so many students are wearing pants with a greater cash value than my three-year-old MacBook.

Now, I have learned a lot of about myself since I got to SF. One thing I’ve learned is that even at the Yoga studio, I’m thinking about how these two business models interact. I’m also wondering, “what marketing and sales genius figured out a way to convince everyone in the Universe that they needed $90 yoga pants!!???”

Obviously, someone pretty smart. But I took a look at one of the Lululemon shopping bags, and I got kind of confused. The messages didn’t seem to support expensive yoga pants at all. What if people started reading the bags and stopped buying pants?

So I decided to offer my consulting services to Lululemon, free of charge. I’ve suggested a few tweaks to the content, shared below.

Do one thing a day that scares you.
Like buying $90 Yoga pants.

Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment. Living in the moment could be the meaning of life.
But so could owning $90 yoga pants. Do both to keep your bases covered.

Creativity is maximized when you’re living in the moment.
But it’s multi-maximized if you’re also wearing $90 yoga pants.

The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness.
Whereas the pursuit of $90 yoga pants will bring you unfettered joy on a daily basis.

Friends are more important than money.
As long as you have at least one pair of $90 to buy yoga pants, because if you don’t, no one will want to be your friend.

Practice yoga so you can remain active in physical sports as you age.
And put money in your 401k so you can be active while wearing $90 pants.

That which matters the most should never give way to that which matters the least.
In case there was any confusion, owning $90 yoga pants matters the most.

Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.
99 % percent of setbacks are handled better by people wearing $90 yoga pants.

The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time. Choose a positive thought.
Such as “I want $90 yoga pants” or “I’m getting $90 yoga pants” or “I love my $90 yoga pants!”

Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.
You’ll like yourself a lot more in $90 yoga pants!

Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.
But that stupid, smug bitch will sure be jealous of your $90 yoga pants.

The breath is your first line of defense. Punching is second.